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Emotional maturity is such an fascinating topic. What does is mean to be emotionally mature? It is all about how you approach and live your life. When you are in the early stages of developing emotional maturity you tend to live life in a safe and comfortable way whereas in later stages you live life more confidently and take more risks.

So, what are the 4 stages of emotional maturity?

Survival, security, success, serenity ¹

Dr. Roger K. Allen, an insightful developmental psychologist based in Utah, USA, formed a theory of emotional maturation in adults based on these 4 stages. With 10 years of clinical practice at The Human Development Institute and more than 25 years of business consulting in customer focused industries, Dr. Allen has great emotional intelligence and an understanding of emotional development. 

These 4 stages can help you see where you’re at and where you want to progress. The more mature you are emotionally, the better you can help yourself, the people around you and your relationships.

The 4 stages:

Survival

This stage of emotional maturity is all about just getting by in life. Through the survival stage of emotional maturity you live based on fear by avoiding difficult tasks and not confronting issues as you know you should. Survival in life means to get up out of bed and simply make it through the day. We can fall in and out of the survival stage too. If there is a traumatic event in your life, or you are suffering from adverse circumstances in your day-to-day, you can be brought back to just surviving. In the survival stage, you may well not have the emotional strength to help others either. Dr. Allen describes this emotional state as a “battleground”¹.

Security

The security stage is all about “playing it safe [and] pleasing other people”¹. This can be where a lot of us struggle to progress from because it is when we feel emotionally secure. You may have left the survival stage, but it is where you discover and learn to stay in your comfort zone. To be more emotionally mature, you must learn to step out of that comfort zone and deal with some rather uncomfortable feelings and emotions.

Success

The third stage of emotional maturity is success. This is about having found habit in stepping out of that comfort zone to better yourself. It is when a lot of us grow and accomplish the most. The success stage may also be when you are most likely to feel “uncomfortable displaying signs of weakness”¹. Understandably, when you develop a great sense of self confidence, you do not want to have it knocked back down again. The thing is, is that we must feel certain in our ability to regain confidence if it is ever knocked. This stage we can fall out of more easily because of what helps us achieve reaching the stage.

Serenity

This stage is what you should strive for! The serenity stage is when we become focused on living consciously. It is fulfilling. You change your perspective on life, seeing it’s meaning more clearly and you begin asking more insightful questions about your life.  

Serenity is not just about having a sense of calm, it is also about feeling aware. When you are living life at this stage of emotional maturity you find reason behind your feelings more easily, you understand how to help others deal with difficulties, and you find rhythm in your day-to-day. In serenity, you will be leading your most fulfilling life!

The progression of the stages

Bare in mind that these 4 stages of emotional maturity are not necessarily a linear progression. For example, what this means is that you can fall out of the success stage back into the security. Also, each stage can be experienced for different ranges of time. You will move through each stage in your own time. We all have different circumstances in life and that will influence our emotional maturity.

Linear progression of the 4 stages:

Survival → Security → Success → Survival

What you may experience:

Why it is important that weacknowledgethe stages of emotional maturity

Acknowledging where you are at in your journey of emotional maturation is vital for you to progress. From survival to serenity you must challenge yourself to recognise which stage you’re at. The reason this is so important is because with no acknowledgment we have no direction. If you are in the security stage and you take note of that, you can then look at what to do to move into the next stages; success and serenity.  

The more conscious you are of your emotional maturity, the faster you will reach serenity. So, give your best effort to practicing self-awareness and you will thank yourself. 

Why it is important that we understand the stages of emotional maturity

Understanding these 4 stages of emotional maturity is extremely important in your journey. Looking at each stage in finer detail will benefit you because as you better your understanding of the stages, your emotional maturity will progress. An effective way of practicing your understanding of the stages is to talk about it with others. Ask peers which stage they believe they are currently at and why. Emotional maturation can be complex, so use your friends and family’s experiences in all stages to help you gather perspective and understanding. Another way is to do some research. Take a look at Dr. Allen’s blog that further explains the 4 stages.

Your journey of emotional maturity

As mentioned earlier in this post, everyone’s journey of emotional maturity is unique. It is a part of your grand journey of discovering and loving yourself. What is your journey looking like? Which stage are you at right now? Asking yourself these questions will give us a platform to jump off of. From here, you have 2 factors to consider:

• Direction

Your journey must be progressive. Give yourself direction by looking into the stages you want to move into, get inspired by them and take action to progress.

• Stability

You can sit in each stage for a short time or a long time. It depends on your ability to find stability in your reactions to emotions and understanding them. In the serenity stage, which you’ll be striving towards, you learn to become a pro in this. Emotions are out of our control sometimes but we have control on how we react to them. Practice self-care and self-awareness to improve this control.

Emotional maturity is gained through experiences in life and because of this you might stay stuck in a particular stage for a long while. That is completely okay. It is what encourages us to be prepared for the more fulfilling stages. Find your drive to improve your emotional intelligence and therefore your emotional maturity.

The signs of being emotionally mature

This post has delved into the stages of emotional maturity and now with what you know about these stages, you can identify the benefits of emotional maturity. 

Signs you are in a serene state of emotional maturity:

• You are comfortable talking about your own emotions and can articulate them well.
• You encourage others to open up about their feelings and emotions and actively listen to their reponses.
• You genuinely accepting yourself and your flaws.
• You are asking yourself those deeper, meaningful life questions.
• You have a healthy self image.

Emotional maturity in relationships

Emotions are intrinsically involved in your relationships. Friendships and romantic relationships are strongest when both people display emotional maturity. When you have both people in the serenity stage of emotional maturation, it is the foundation of an unbreakable bond. This is the case because they are open and honest about how they feel while being attentive to the other persons emotional needs. Communication about emotions in relationships is so very important.

On the other hand, when we see two emotionally immature people in a friendship or partnership, we can see the reasons as to why a connection might break or fade. Emotions will not be talked about transparently and emotions may be neglected.

All of us want great relationships, right? Let this be what encourages you to improve on your emotional maturity!  

Moving through these 4 essential stages of emotional maturity and reaching serenity will make you a more conscious, insightful, responsible and emotionally intelligent person. Strive to become the best version of yourself!

1. Dr. Roger K. Allen, Stages of Emotional Maturation (blog post), www.rogerkallen.com.