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Friendships need maintenance. When you first make friends with someone it feels natural, easy and there is little effort. As time goes on you may have friends develop frustrating or harmful habits, and when this happens it is time for some maintenance. Maintenance for a friendship requires a few things but most importantly, truthful and transparent communication. When you identify signs of an unhealthy friendship you need to assess how you are feeling and take action to ‘patch up’ the issues that have come about.

This post will be your guide to help identify common signs of an unhealthy friendship. A friendship’s health is dependent on so many different things, so it can sometimes be not so obvious when things are headed downhill. These 11 signs are some key ones to be weary of. 

Maintaining happy and healthy friendships in our life is unbelievably important. Your circle of friends has such a great impact on your mental health and emotions. If you can manage to provide enough care for each of your friendships in life, you’ll thank yourself big time. The thing is, is that too many people take the easier route and let friendships fade or break. Keep giving your best effort to maintain what you have and don’t ignore any of these signs of unhealthy friendships!

Find out the 11 signs of an unhealthy friendship:

Tips are in italics

1 – Constant negativity

It can be difficult to keep a positive attitude all the time, especially when bad stuff is going on. As you do in life, friends will go in and out of healthy head spaces. Life can throw some challenging moments at us, and that can lead to us having a negative outlook as well as displaying negative behaviours. If your friend is one of the people who are being negative constantly, although they may have good reason, their behaviour can not always be excused.

When your friend’s complaining seems endless, they are constantly spreading gossip and they appear to be in one conflict after another, it can be extremely draining. These habits feed drama which ultimately gives your friendship an element of negativity. Pessimistic attitude from your friend can also take a toll on you. If your friend is talking down on themselves or others and seemingly avoiding the positive aspects in their life, you definitely need to have a discussion with them. 

Pessimism and negativity will eat away at your friendship slowly over time however, if you start a serious conversation focused on their attitude and what it is effecting, you will have a better chance of bettering your friendship and bringing back those positive vibes!

To address theses issues and have the honest chat that’s needed, be assertive and empathetic. Sit your friend down, be brutally honest and don’t beat around the bush. Say what is on your mind and put it all out on the table. Your friend needs to know how their negative attitude is effecting you. Then, hopefully they’ll realise they need to change their habits.

2 – Trust and support becomes absent

Trust and support is crucial in a friendship. Trust is the foundation for meaningful friendships and, funnily enough, when trust is lacking or completely absent, a friendship can become very unhealthy. 

Have you noticed your friend has stopped having your back? The amount of support you have from a friend has a lot of impact on a friendship. Whether it is them not showing up to watch sports events or not siding with you in conflicts, it can be upsetting when you don’t feel supported. What is an even more obvious sign your relationship is becoming unhealthy is if your friend always gave great support in the past but has stopped.

A lack of trust in a friendship is massive. Trust holds so much importance for all relationships. If you have realised that you’re friend is trusting you less and/or you feel like you can not trust them, some action certainly needs to be taken. One very common issue in unhealthy friendships is breaking promises. Is your friend handing out information you didn’t want them to? If the answer is yes, a talk needs to be scheduled!

To discuss issues around trust and support, tells your friend some recent stories that are examples of the lack of either trust or support. Giving real examples will give better results in your conversation because you can discuss how you would rather your friend deals with you in those situations.

For example: You tell your friend who you have a major crush on and they go tell the rest of your social circle. 

Let your friend know that you were pissed off. Remember, it’s all about honesty. After telling them your emotions in that example, explain to them how you would prefer for them to deal with sensitive information in the future.

3 – Jealousy & Envy

Another sign of an unhealthy friendship is jealousy and envy being prominent in the relationship. Jealousy and envy have huge effects on behaviour of a person. Check out our blog post focusing on jealousy in friendships to better identify what actions and behaviours of a friend tell us a that they’re jealous. 

Feelings of jealousy and envy often stems from insecurities or competition, causing your friend to resent the success or achievements that you have. Envy, on the other hand, involves your friend yearning for what you possess, whether it’s a material possession, another relationship, or even your personal qualities. These intense emotions can lead to bitterness and resentment. In the worst cases, you will find your friend attempting to undermine the your accomplishments. They’ll do this by avoiding giving congratulations, putting you down and mocking you. The presence of jealousy and envy can point towards your friend feeling inadequate or inferior. Those feelings must be addressed so that you can turn what has become an unhealthy friendship back into a healthy one.

Again, the solution to minimising envy and getting back to that healthy relationship is to talk. You need to head into this conversation being ready to do a lot of listening. It’s all about asking the right questions to understand what it is they’re jealous of and why they feel that way.

4 – You have no energy when you’re around them

Feeling low or down when you’re headed to hang out with a particular friend? Have you stopped and wondered why it is you are feeling this way? Well, it is likely that you are feeling low on energy around this friend because of some underlying issues that have not been addressed. Those issues could well be the other signs of an unhealthy friendship that are listed above or below this one. 

Example: Sign 3 – If you know that your friend has been bitter because on envy, you’re going to not feel good knowing that the bitterness will come out. 

Example: Sign 4 – If you feel that your friend is lacking respect for you, you’re probably not going to feel happy about hanging out with them 1 on 1.

Having no energy when around your friend is a big concern. Company of friends is supposed to build you up and bring you joy. If you are going into an interaction or leaving an interaction with this friend and it’s brought about feelings of frustration, it’s then time you have a chat.

Walk your friend through how you are feeling and be as detailed as possible. If you have an idea why these feelings have come about, it is best to address the issues that caused you to feel a lack of energy. Be honest, open and transparent. Communication will help you move past this energy deficit and repair your friendship.

5 – A lack of respect

Having mutual respect in a relationship is super important. Respect in friendship is all about recognising the value in your friend and treating them well because of that. When you see someone being kind, generous and sincere, you will feel the want to treat them that way.

In some friendships, respect can be lost. In other cases, friendships may start with less respect than they should. If you notice that you friend never has treated you with the respect you deserve, then you need to be taking the time to observe how they treat others too. Respect is huge, and when a friend forgets to ever respect you or others the way they should, they definitely need a wakeup call. You might instead have a situation where your friend used to respect you but over time that respect has dwindled. It might be because you have done something, it might be because they have changed in social status, or it might be a completely different reason. You need to talk to them and figure out that reason!

Be upfront and ask your friend why they are treating you this way. Let them know how you are feeling and bring up some past moments where you have showed them genuine respect.

6 – They are manipulative

Manipulative behaviour is a big warning sign of an unhealthy friendship.  It indicates that a friendship is unhealthy because it undermines trust and shows that there is no care for the other person’s well-being. 

There are some noteworthy traits and habits that will help you identify if your friend has been or is being manipulative. Three of the most common are guilt-tripping, exploitation of friends emotions and dishonesty. These three traits are shown in an individual when they want to take advantage of other people and in your case, you. Friends can be very crafty in how they exploit you and it can go unnoticed. So, if you have noticed that there have been cases where your friend is benefiting from your bad luck, then it may be worth taking a closer look at how they are interacting with other friends. Are they telling lies? Are they pushing people to do things they don’t want to or should not do? Don’t let them take advantage of you.

To help get rid of your friends manipulative behaviour, you must find out what their motive might be. Are they being this way just to get a laugh, or are they trying to impress another person? Every manipulative friend will have a slightly unique drive, but once you find out your friend’s motive you can have a constructive conversation. Call them out, let them know their behaviour is upsetting you and have some stories or examples in your back pocket to use during your talk.

7 – Zero boundaries

Boundaries. They’re essential in friendships. Think of boundaries in a friendship like the guidelines to follow for each person in certain circumstances. Without having these guidelines, it can be easy to overstep when someone needs personal space, some alone time or support in difficult times.

Have you ever been in a situation where you are upset, in need of a bit of your own space and your friend seems to not leave you alone? It’s actually an issue that occurs very often for many people, yet in some cases it can be a sign of an unhealthy friendship. The problem lies in not communicating your boundaries with your friend. It might seem awkward to bring up these boundaries but it will be worth communicating about. Let your friend know what you usually need in certain situations, and then if that ever changes, don’t be afraid to talk to them about how you want to change these boundaries. 

If you have a very caring friend and they hate the thought of leaving in your own company when you are upset, you need to let them know that you prefer that you are left to your own devices. You should not feel obligated to give reasons, but openness when talking about these topics is often great. Being transparent about your worries and vulnerabilities can bring you closer to a friend in the long run. Healthy friendships have boundaries that are not guessed or presumed, instead they have boundaries which are talked about.

8 – You stop receiving invitations & you’re feeling isolated

One of the more obvious signs you’re in an unhealthy friendship is when your friend stops inviting you out to events and activities. There are countless reasons as to why a friend might stop inviting you places but it sure does not give you a nice feeling. 

In healthy friendships both friends invite each other out to do things, whether it is to walk around the park with a coffee, watch a movie or to head to a raving party. If you notice that your friend has stopped inviting you to a certain type of event, like parties, then there may be something that has happened in the past that has influenced them to stop inviting you. In your own time, try to think if you have given them reason to stop inviting you somwhere. Maybe you have embarrassed them or upset them in front of a particular person or group. 

If your lack of invitation is to a particular type of event, then bring up what you remember from the past that may have started the issue so that you can sit down, talk and solve it.

If you have stopped being invited everywhere then it is worth approaching them by bluntly asking why they have stopped. Find out their reasoning, hear them about and have a heart to heart.

9 – They take no responsibility

Having a friend taking little to no responsibility when things go wrong can be very frustrating. Friendships are either strengthened or broken down in difficult times, and when people lack responsibility, it can be very hard to keep the friendship strong. If your friend is lacking responsibility in your friendship it is a sign of an unhealthy friendship.

Taking no responsibility reflects a lack of accountability and respect for the other person in a friendship. In a healthy friendship, you and your friend should be willing to acknowledge mistakes, address mistakes and apologise when necessary. When your friend happens to consistently avoid taking responsibility for their behavior or refuses to acknowledge the impact of it has on the relationship, it creates an imbalance in trust and respect. You’re not alone if this behavior leads you to feel resentment and frustration.

This can lead to breakdowns in communication because if either you or your friend are unwilling take responsibility, the other person will be discouraged to have a conversation at all. Keep resilient, speak openly and do your best to show how a lack of responsibility is affecting the entire friendship.

10 – More giving than receiving

A healthy friendship means giving love, respect, and support… and receiving exactly the same in return – Sheila Burke

In a healthy friendship, both you and your friend should feel valued, appreciated, and supported, and the friendship should be built on a equal exchange of care and attention.

Giving more than receiving is a sign of an unhealthy friendship because it suggests that you are consistently investing more time, effort, and providing more support than your friend. In a healthy friendship, there should be a mutual give-and-take, with both people contributing and benefiting the same amount in the relationship. If you give, give, give without receiving much in return, it can lead to you feeling exhausted. That feeling of being drained, and lacking energy will impact your interactions with your friend, so take the chance to chat about this unequal effort.

The answer is not to give less. You should feel confident in giving each friendship the best effort and the most energy you can. What you need to do is tell your friend that you have noticed their lack of giving and ask them why that has come to be the case. Let them do the talking and this will help them come to the realisation that they need.

11 – They try to change who you are

Making an effort to change a person is an extremely alarming sign of an unhealthy friendship. This is because it disregards the importance of accepting others as they are. Genuine friendships are built around acceptance, respect, and appreciation for each other’s uniqueness.

When your friend takes actions that show they’re trying to change or mold you, it shows a lack of acceptance and a desire for control. Controlling behavior is another major indicator for an unhealthy friendship. Your friend making attempts to change you will result in you feeling inadequate, pressured, and you may feel yourself losing your identity within the friendship. You’ll notice that in your healthy friendships, growth, support, and encouragement are prioritised. It is crucial that you and your friend embrace and value each other’s differences rather than attempting to reshape each other.

When you see that your friend is trying to shape you into what they believe is an ideal version of you, you need to set them straight. It is key that you head into a conversation with them with a lot of self-confidence. Tell them what you have noticed and make it clear that you do not want to change.

Why conversation is key to turning your unhealthy friendship around

You’ll notice that in the suggestions for how to turn your unhealthy friendship back into a healthy one, communication is always the priority. This is because communication is what breaks down walls, revealing issues yet it’s also what helps us connect.

When you go and talk about these signs of unhealthy friendships with a friend, focus on talking about your emotions. Discuss how you have felt throughout the issues you’ve been having. This honesty will help your friend come to a realisation that a change or some changes need to be made in their attitude and behaviour. Remember those key words – honesty, openness, transparency. Communication will reconnect you and you’ll be back to enjoying a healthy friendship again.