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Jealousy in friendships is completely normal. Despite jealousy being so common in friendships it can be difficult to identify why these feelings occur. If you have a jealous friend in life right now, this will be an important read for you!
You certainly will have been in or seen a relationship that has had jealousy negatively impact it. Jealousy has a way of bringing about horrible emotions and can influence people’s behaviour badly. So, let’s look at how communication and transparency can stop jealousy from hurting our relationships. In fact, with the right attitude and a positive approach, a jealous friend can become one of your closest ones.
The reasons why you have a jealous friend most likely revolve around them envying your attributes or circumstances in life. While feeling envy over these things, there is also fear that because of those certain attributes or circumstances they’ll lose their friendship with you. A common example might be you getting into a better college that is further away from home, so they begin to think your friendship will fade. That is what jealousy is, the worry of losing you. Remember this when you make the decision to talk about their jealousy – it comes from a place of kindness and appreciation.
This post is about the 9 reasons why you have a jealous friend and how you can deal with them
The 9 Reasons:
1) Personal Achievements
Are you a high achiever? Awesome, it’s a great quality! Aiming for stars and getting great results is a pleasure in life. Unfortunately, some of us do not have the same motivation, dedication, educational opportunities (and the list goes on), to achieve as highly. These people can grow to envy the high achievers, and that is a valid feeling. The problem can lie in how those people act upon feeling this way.
Example: You and your friend play tennis for your school. They thought they had done as well as you throughout the year but you ended up winning the award in the prize giving.
In this example your friend could very well feel envious and, to an extent, frustrated about you winning the award. They may then react quite poorly after the prize giving by being cruel or cold towards you.
Achievements are an extremely sensitive topic because they can have such a big impact on your happiness, the emotions of those around you and (least importantly) social status. Over time you’ll learn that your happiness should not be based on personal achievements, but many other things. In regards to social status, you may well but put ‘in a box’. Like, you’re a nerd or you’re a jock.
2) Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships definitely play a big role in making people envious and jealous. To have an emotional and physical connection to someone is really special, and when you see others who have that sort of connection you can’t help but wonder what it would feel like. In the case of you having that sort of romantic connection, the people around you may begin to envy what you have.
Whether it is a lust filled summer fling or a long term partner, some friends will see the good parts of having a significant other and want it. Since romance is such an important part of many people’s lives, envy that stems from romantic relationship can hurt very badly. Your friends may not be able see the hardships that you go through in a relationship either, so it can worsen their feeling of envy.
Example: You’re at the end of high school and starting to have some luck with dating. No serious relationships have started but you are seeing different people and having lots of new experiences with them. Your friend on the other hand is not having luck in the dating world and consistently ask you about your situation.
In this example, your friend will have reason to start feeling unwanted and upset, and these feeling of jealousy will show through their behaviour.
3) Social Popularity
Your social popularity can certainly lead to friends feeling jealous. Particularly in your teenage years, the success of your social life seems to be determined by the number of friends you have and the attention you receive from general public. This can continue being a big deal in life, but a common trend is the further on in life you get, the less it is measured by quantity and the more it is measured by quality.
Example: If you have a great circle of friends, get invited out to parties and are present on lot’s of peers’ social media, then you may have a jealous friend. Your friend will start to feel sad that they are missing out on the social life you have and they’ll miss you more and more.
It is super important to maintain the friendships that mean the most to you. If you have a jealous friend, it is extremely likely that the care deeply about you. So, it may well be worth spending your time amending your friendship with them and not spend time accumulating meaningless friendships.
4) Academic Success
School, College, Careers. There is so much pressure to always succeed and excel in all of these parts of life. That pressure leads to constant comparison between peers and friends, and that can then lead to a lot of hurt. “Comparison is the thief of joy,”¹ and that is because when we compare, we are more critical than complimentary.
The comparison that friends make between them and yourself is what makes a jealous friend. If you are or have been very successful in academic aspects of life while a friend is not, they can be envious and hasty.
Example: You and a long time friend have applied for some prestigious universities across the country. The both of you have had great success in school, but you have always taken out the higher marks and awards in the past. It has been the cause for your friend to make snarky remarks when you achieve highly. You get accepted into your first choice university while your friend only gets accepted into a back-up university.
In this example, your friend will likely feel very upset due to her situation. Unfortunately, your academic access has a high chance of causing them to feel envy and jealousy. The snarky comments they’ve made over time and their cold reaction to your big moment of showing them the acceptance letter are obvious signs of jealousy. A further effect the college news might have on your friend is sadness that they’re not going to be near you. Jealousy might not show through anger, it could well be tears.
Academic success is something that should be celebrated in each person’s life. What your friend will learn is that thier best effort does not have to match yours. What makes our lives unique and exciting is that our individual differences and talents take us different places.
5) Family Situations
Family can be complex. There are so many ways in which families can be split up, terribly hurt and some are simply strange! Not many families can claim they are or are near being perfect, but there can definitely still be reasons that friends may envy your family situations.
It might be because of parents, siblings or even cousins. Regardless of the family relationships that are good in your life that friends may envy, there’ll always be some family relationships you can remind them of that are not so perfect. Talk about these other relationships and it will act as a ‘reality slap’ for your jealous friend.
Example: You have parents that have been happily married for 20+ years however, before your good friend turned 10, their parents had a messy divorce.
Divorce is unfortunately a very common situation for families these days. When you have loving parents that are together, you’ve got to appreciate it and recognise it’s worth. That friend in the example above most definitely will go through stages of envy because they see how good it could be. This will not be short term envy, but it is a cause for a different type of jealousy. Instead of being scared of losing you, they’re sad they’ve lost what you have. Love your friends and let them be part of your family. Families with open doors and open arms are amazing ones.
6) Financial Stability
Money, money, money! Now this is a massive topic associated with envy and jealousy. It is very usual to presume that the more money you have, the better your life will be, hence friends and family of the rich can tend to be envious. The thing is, is that wealth and happiness are not directly related. It’s not as simple as saying, “more money, less problems”. Those kind of assumptions can lead to people being too eager for wealth and not the other things in life that truly matter.
Example: You have scored a job at a well known law firm and in doing so are about to sign your most generous contract ever! Your friend from law school has not had the same success in finding jobs and is still working their way up the ladder slowly, earning half of what you are.
This is tough because, again, more money does not resolve life’s issues. With more cash to play with, you might purchase more hobby based items, buy a bigger house, or decide to invest more for your family’s future. Financial stability can not be bought, it is gained by effort!
Instead of the amount of money you earn, friends may also be envious of your financial stability in terms of financial choices. Some people will be envious and jealous of you when you find discounts or invest wisely but the fact is that you made a conscious choice for that to happen. If they’re envious, it’s simply a matter of helping them learn to improve their financial choices.
7) Lifestyle and Travel
To work less and travel more is a luxury in life. Some people work hard in setting themselves up with a good job and choose to use their earnings to get away from their normal and see the world.
This is not a luxury we can all access so easily. Everyone’s lifestyle is different and travel habits vary depending on so many factors. Friends may get jealous of you when they see awesome travel stories posted on social media and they might envy your balance of work and life.
Example: Your friend is in a job that gives them just enough cash to make ends meet. Meanwhile, you are doing really well after being in a secure high-paying job for 2 years and you have decided to go to Italy for a month. You catch up with your friend and tell them about the exciting trip you have planned but they react like it’s no big deal and divert the conversation to a new topic.
This example brings in one of the other nine reasons, financial stability. Your friends cold reaction is not just because they envy your holiday itself, but also the fact that your able to even consider going to Italy.
8) Physical Appearance
How you look and how you dress has such a big influence on the impressions you make with people. Dressing well and taking care of your body is an effective way of showing people you encounter that you care about your appearance and that you want to make great impressions.
If a friend of yours is going through a stage in life where they are losing the capacity to give themselves some self care, they might start lacking effort in their appearance. In times like these, if you happen to be better presented and are appearing confident in how you look, your friend could be envying you.
More commonly, friends are simply envious of the way you look. This is because you are sexy as hell! When friends look at you in a way they want people to look at them, their probably jealous of your physical appearance.
If your friend is always complimenting you and speaking down on themselves and the way they look, it might be due to jealousy. Another way that jealousy and envy might show through their behaviour is them acting sour. They’ll say things like, “you’re so photogenic, it’s unfair!” Everyone wants to look amazing, that’s normal, but we need to love and accept who we are and how we are.
9) Skills and Talents
The ninth reason for your friend having feelings of jealousy is that you have tremendous talent and skill.
In life, we have so many opportunities to excel. There are so many hobbies, sports and careers that can offer you feelings of achievement. Within all these opportunities, there is always competition, whether it is obvious or unspoken. If you are really good at something with minimal teaching or training, it can be awesome to pursue that talent. Achievements that come about because of skill and talent contribute to surreal feelings and confidence! The downside to having talent and obtaining great skill is that you’ll have friends envy you.
Example: You have just started at an art school and in the first few lessons you making ridiculously impressive progress. The art teacher is one of the many people you have impressed early on, yet your friend who has been taking the class for over a year now does not seem to be cheerful or encouraging.
Everyone wants to be special. Having a talent or a skill can make you feel this way, but it will have the opposite effect on people who are trying to do the same thing as you. Your jealous friend in the example above is frustrated with themselves and you’re quick success is demotivating for them.
How to deal with jealous friends:
Let’s approach this friend with an open mind and honest conversations. It might well be easier said than done!
- Ask them how they are feeling
- Actively and carefully listen to what they have to say
- Clarify and discuss the reason in the simply as possible
- Talk to them about how you would like to help minimise their envy and jealousy.
To get anywhere with a jealous friend, you have to have them open up to you. It may take time, so be patient and try best to understand their point of view. When they tell you how they are feeling, you must listen attentively so that you can leave move the conversation forward and offer ways of solving how they can get rid of the negative feelings. If you are unsure at this point in the conversation, you will need to find out which of the nine reasons above are the reason that they’re jealous. From there, you need to talk it out, ask some more questions and get the best understanding possible of what they’re feeling. Lastly, you need to make a plan to achieve the goal of minimising their jealousy.
The best tip we can give is that you remain honest and transparent with each other. These two things are most important when it comes to identifying and helping a jealous friend. A friendship with jealousy in the middle is unhealthy. Remove those horrid feelings of envy and jealousy and you’ll turn that into a much better and healthier frinedship.
1. “Comparison is the thief of joy” – Theodore Roosevelt
