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Imagine you and your friend are in the people in the photo above. How do you feel right now? Could you see yourself naturally doing this? What is your gut telling you? That internal feeling can tell you a lot about your personal boundaries. You may feel perfectly comfortable holding hands with a friend or you may feel very uncomfortable even just at the thought. If you feel uncomfortable with this thought you may have some tighter boundaries around physical touch than someone more comfortable with this idea.

Your boundaries dictate what you are comfortable with doing in life and within your friendships. It is therefore important to be aware of the ones you subconsciously set so you can establish healthy friendship boundaries. This will help you and your friend know how to better navigate your friendship. 

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are lines you establish to protect yourself and keep yourself feeling safe and comfortable in life. In everyday life and in every interaction you have with others, you are subconsciously obeying other people’s personal boundaries as well as setting your own. 

There are many different kinds of boundaries, for example physical, emotional, time, and material boundaries. The boundaries you have are completely individualised. They are driven by your values, culture, and beliefs and they help you navigate life comfortably. This also means that your boundaries and what you are comfortable with may look completely different to your friends. This is why it is important to be clear and open about what you are comfortable with so that you and your friend can start creating healthy friendship boundaries together. 

“Boundaries protect the things that are of value to you. They keep you in alignment with what you have decided you want in life. That means the key to good boundaries is knowing what you want.” – Adelyn Birch

Why are boundaries in friendship important?

Boundaries are important for maintaining a healthy friendship, they help outline how you want to be treated in the friendship. They support you and your friend’s individuality and allow you to respect each other’s differences. They also promote a friendship full of trust, respect, and open communication- which are all great features of a long-lasting friendship. Additionally, if boundaries are clear, they can also help you reduce conflict because you and your friend know where each other’s limits are and know what lines not to cross. 

Healthy friendship boundaries to consider establishing with your friends:

1. Respecting each other’s values

How you live your life and what is important to you may be completely different from your friends. Similarly, you and your friend may not share very few of the same beliefs, values, and perspectives. That is okay, it makes for a dynamic and interesting friendship when properly respected. A healthy friendship has boundaries that allow each person to believe in different things in a respectful manner. These boundaries are there to show recognition of your differences and to stop either person from trying to change the other person’s view or force their view upon them. 

2. Protecting your individuality

The beauty of friendship is that it’s made up of unique individuals. Use boundaries to keep it this way and stop you and your friends from becoming carbon copies of each other. Put boundaries in place that respect, highlight, and celebrate your differences- you deserve to be yourself and be accepted for it in your friendships. 

3. Time

Boundaries can also help you navigate how you treat each other’s time. Be explicit about how you feel about lateness, last-minute cancellations, or sudden changes to plans. Also be clear about your communication needs. Discuss with your friend how often you want to be contacted or how often you need to see them in person to maintain the friendship. Some people need lots of contact and connection to feel close to their friend, while for others a high amount of contact can be overwhelming. 

4. Confidentiality

Creating boundaries around confidentiality are important healthy friendship boundaries to establish. They are important to because it helps you and your friend create a safe and trustworthy friendship where you can comfortably share sensitive information. When telling your friend sensitive/personal information, it is always a great idea to set boundaries- let them know how important the information is to you and who they are/aren’t able to tell.

5. When and how you are able to support them

Healthy friendship boundaries around support helps your friend understand that you will do your best to support them in a way that maintains your well-being. Let them know what ways you are comfortable supporting them when they need it. It is also best to ask what is appropriate for them- maybe they don’t want you to give advice or comment on their life decisions, maybe all they want you to do is listen. Knowing their boundaries will help you not overstep and run the risk of pushing them away.

In the moment you can also make a boundary. Maybe one of the days they ask for your support you are not in a good place to help them. It is perfectly okay, to be honest with them and set a temporary boundary by telling them you are not in the right space to offer them the support they need. 

6. Other Relationships

It is important to set boundaries around having other friendships and relationships outside of this friendship. This ensures you will both have the space and time to work on these relationships and avoid becoming completely dependent on one another. 

7. Borrowing/using your things

Boundaries surrounding your personal belongings is also something to establish. Your friend may not be very good at looking after the things they borrow or they may not be very good at returning them. You might also not be very comfortable lending your stuff to other people- and that’s perfectly okay as long as you set clear boundaries about it. 

8. Limits

It is important for your friends to know where you draw the line, and how far you can be pushed. There is a time in new friendships when this will be tested as your friend tries to establish where your lines are. However, if you feel strongly about anything, rather be honest and clear in setting up these boundaries so that they know early on in the friendship. It is also important to let them know what topics you feel sensitive about, don’t want to talk about or things that seriously hurt you to be teased about. 

9. Mental health

These boundaries help make sure you have the time to prioritise your self-care and other activities that look after your mental health. It also helps you respect each other’s need for space and managing personal lives

10. Physical boundaries

Everyone is different when it comes to physical contact. Let your friend know how comfortable you are when it comes to things like hugs, physical contact when it comes to emotional support and physical contact in general. 

11. Establish that no means no

In some friendships, the word “no” is seen as more of a flexible term. In such cases, friends may try to persuade each other to do something even after no has been said. Establish the ability for both of you to say no at any point and have that be respected so that you don’t get pushed past your limits.

12. Giving and taking

Establishing boundaries around how much you give and take in a friendship can stop either of you from becoming resentful or taking advantage of one another. Recognise when you are giving too much and put a boundary in place for yourself to ease up on how much you are giving. This allows your friend to have the chance to pick up their game and for you to look after your well-being. 

In the words of  Mark Grove: “Walls keep everybody out, boundaries teach people where the door is”. Don’t build a wall when you start to feel uncomfortable in your friendship. Rather, be open and honest with your friend and start learning to set boundaries together. Creating healthy friendship boundaries that you both recognise and respect with help you build a stronger, healthier, longer-lasting friendship.