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This post is all about alone time in a relationship.
Navigating your time in a relationship is no easy feat. It can be a real cause of tension for a relationship if it’s not properly balance. Also finding that balance can take a lot of time and patience because it may require a lot of trial and error.
While a new relationship is fun and exciting, a lot of new couples struggle with not being absorbed by their relationship and spending all their time together. On the flip side, some couples that have been together a decent time can become too independent and disconnected from their partner and they stop investing in spending quality time together. Both of these situations can be problematic for both the individuals and the quality of the relationship they share.
Welcome to your guide to all things to do with alone time in a relationship!
In this post we look at the effects of not getting enough alone time in a relationship and also what happens when you get too much of it. We answer your burning questions about how much alone time is normal and give you tips for discussing your alone time needs with your partner. Let’s get started!
Is It Normal To Want Alone Time In Your Relationship?
Yes, it’s absolutely normal to want alone time in your relationship. In fact, it’s healthy to want to have some time to yourself. Just because you are in a relationship with someone does not mean that you have to spend every waking moment of your life with them. Doing this can actually get quite unhealthy over time.
It’s completely normal to want to have some time away from your partner. This alone time is important for working on yourself, pursuing your hobbies and interests, and putting effort into your other social relationships. It also allows you to have time for self care and to focus on looking after your mental health. So yes, for these reasons, it’s definitely okay to want to have some time away from you partner.
What Happens When You Don’t Get Enough Alone Time In A Relationship?
You might already be showing signs that you need alone time, without even realising it. It’s important to be aware of these signs because there are a lot of things that can happen if you don’t get enough alone time in your relationship. You could land up feeling suffocated and emotionally exhausted all the time (not a nice state to be in at all). These feelings can lead to serious unhappiness and resentment towards your relationship. They could also cause you to have less patience for your partner and become snappier and more easily frustrated with them. Alternatively, this lack of alone time might mean that you lose your sense of self, your independence and your other friendship, because you become too focused on your partner.
Here is a quick overview of some other things that can happen if you don’t get enough time to yourself in your relationship:
- Your ability to communicate effectively with your partner might decrease
- The level of intimacy in your relationship might be negatively effected
- You can lose your individuality
- Tension and conflict can seriously increase in your relationship
- You can become dissatisfied with your relationship
Looking for more information? Check out this post for a deeper dive into some of the effects of not having enough alone time in a relationship.
What the heck is Aloneliness?
“Aloneliness” seriously sounds made up, but I promise you it’s a new concept. It’s a word that describes the feelings you get when you lack alone time despite seriously craving it. It’s the feelings of dissatisfaction, frustration, demotivation and helplessness that come not being able to meet your needs. Really it’s no surprise then that loneliness has been tied to states of stress and depression1.
In a relationship, things naturally start to become more of a “we” and less of a “me”. Things like your time. This lack of “me time” can quite easily lead to feelings of aloneliness, if left unchecked, and can really start to take a toll on your relationship. In a study done by Swets. J, and Cox. C (2022), it was found that couples displaying a greater level of aloneliness were more likely to display anger and hostility towards their partner. The couples showing greater aloneliness were more likely to shove pins into a doll representing their partner, than couples that weren’t. Scary stuff. Therefore, if you want to protect and strengthen your relationship (and don’t want your partner shoving pins in a voodoo doll representing you), you definitely need to prioritise scheduling some alone time for you both.
What Happens When You Get Too Much Alone Time In A Relationship?
If you haven’t guessed it by now, too much of anything can have negative consequences. Getting too much alone time definitely has it’s fair share of negative impacts on a relationship. One of the biggest impacts of too much alone time is that you risk becoming completely disconnected as a couple.
There are a few ways that this occurs:
Emotional disconnect
Spending too much time away from each other can lead to feelings of neglect, especially if one partner consistently seeks out alone time. This neglect can spill into feelings of insignificance or not feeling enough. Over time, these feelings can start to eat away at your self image and start to damage your positive sense of self. It can start to fill your mind with insecurities that can harm your well-being and negatively impact your behaviour and feelings toward your relationship.
Additionally, with too much alone time, you risk becoming emotionally distant or emotionally isolated from your partner. Excessive alone time can decrease the amount of shared emotional experiences you have with your partner. As a result, over time, they may start to feel like less of a partner and more of a stranger. You might start to lose touch with their moods and emotions and stop being able to read them. This can lead to misunderstandings and increased frustration for you both. It might also make you emotionally withdraw from them and become closed off around them, leading to you being less likely to lean on them for advice and support.
Physical disconnect
Alongside your emotional intimacy, your physical intimacy can also take a big hit. Spending too much time apart reduces your opportunities for physical connection and reduces your feelings of closeness. With a minimal opportunities be in physical contact with your partner (I’m talking, hand holding, kissing, hugging, cuddling etc.), physical intimacy starts to be seriously impacted. This does not lay a good foundation for sexual intimacy to occur and so you may find yourselves in a bit of a sexual rut. Not only that, but physical touch plays a fundamental role in regulating moods, fighting stress, minimising conflict and much more. So, a reduction in physical touch due to too much time alone may be having a bigger impact on your relationship than you might’ve imagined.
You might also be interested in: Why physical touch is important in relationships
Mental/social disconnect
With a lack of physical and emotional connection, you may start to experience difficulties in communicating with your partner. These communication breakdowns start to become more frequent as you become unfamiliar with what is going on in your partner’s life. You start to lack empathy and understanding for your partner and become focused on your own life. This means that when conflicts do arise, you experience a decrease in ability to compromise and problem solve as a couple. This creates feelings of dissatisfaction and tension that become more difficult to resolve over time.
Furthermore, when you stop connecting and being open with your partner, they become less of a support network for you. This might make you more reliant on your other friendships. Being vulnerable with your friends and using them as a support network can be very beneficial for deepening your friendships. However, when there is no balance and you become too reliant on your friends, it can weaken your friendships and draw you even further away from your partner. If you’re constantly, airing your dirty laundry and complaining your partner, it can become very tiring for your friends. If this continues, over time it can morph you into being toxic friend and may cause you to lose a few friendships as a result.
Additionally, the way you talk about your partner can reinforce your feelings towards them. So, if all you are saying is negative things about them to your friends, it may cause deep resent towards your partner and you might push yourself further away from them in response.
Spiritual disconnect
Spending less time together can result in becoming spiritually disconnected. As you start to spend less time together, you start to have less in common and less things you are able to connect about. You might also start to see a disconnect in your values as your individual experiences start to shape you both in different ways. Furthermore, your aspirations and desires for your life may start to diverge, impacting your ability to set and work towards goals as a couple.
How Much Alone Time is Normal?
Okay so now you know that not getting enough alone time is detrimental to your wellbeing and your relationship. However, you also know that so is getting too much alone time. This may leave you wondering how the heck you find a balance between the two? How much alone time is healthy in a relationship?
Unfortunately, there is not an easy answer to this question. It’s complicated. Annoying, I know.
Ultimately, the amount of time spent together vs apart will vary between each relationship. This is because each person will have different needs and expectations for their time. There might also be different individual and couple commitments, passions and opportunities that might require more or less time to be spent together. Each person’s personality might also affect how much time they need for themselves, with introverts potentially needing a bit more time alone than extroverts. Additionally, you might find that your want for time together may vary throughout the year. As an example, we naturally spend a bit more time together in the winter months than we do in summer.
With all these different factors in play, it’s difficult to give you a specific answer for how much time is normal in relationship. This is ultimately something you are going to have to discuss and trial with your partner, until you find a balance that works for the both of you. However, if you would like a starting point for how much alone time to aim for, you could always try use the 70/30 rule.
What is the 70/30 Rule you ask?
The 70/30 rule is a guideline that helps you split up your time in your relationship. It helps you achieve a sense of balance between “me-time” and “us time”. If you decide to follow this rule, it would mean that you spend 70% of your time with your partner and the other 30% you’d have for yourself. This allows you to have some time to work on your individuality, passions and friendships, while also maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner.
Keep in mind this is a guideline. It’s perfectly okay if yours ends up looking different. You may end up with more of a 60/40, 50/50 or and 80/20 split. You two do you.
How Do You Ask For Alone Time In A Relationship?
Pick your time wisely
It’s important that you bring this topic up at an appropriate time so that you can have a proper discussion about it with your partner.
Don’t bring it up right in the middle of a disagreement – you probably won’t bring it up as constructively as you might think. Also due to the nature of the situation, you run the risk of your partner reading into the suggestion incorrectly, taking offence or just being immediately defensive about it. It’s also a good idea to not bring it up when you partner is busy, distracted or stressed. They are not in a good place to listen to you properly and you may end up adding to their mental load.
Rather, try pick a time when you are both calm and not pre-occupied to discuss your alone time needs. If this is not likely to naturally occur, you may need to just ask your partner to set some time aside for the discussion.
Clearly communicate your feelings using “I” statements
Now is your chance to be clear and honest about what you need. Take it. This is your opportunity to make sure your needs are met.
Open up to your partner about how you are feeling. Let them know how the amount of alone time you’re getting (whether it’s too much or too little) is affecting you. Put emphasis on the fact that it is about you and your mental health and not your feelings about your relationship or your partner. Don’t be afraid to be specific about what having more alone time means to you so that you partner can get a better understanding. Use I statements to help keep the focus on you and to stop your request coming across as hostile or like you’re placing blame on them.
Here is one example of how you might express your need for alone time. “I am feeling really rundown and out of touch with myself lately. I have been feeling like I haven’t had enough time to properly take care of myself. Nor do I feel like I’ve had enough time for my passions and my hobbies. I wanted to talk to you about making sure we are both getting the alone time that we need.”
Reassure your partner
Even though you reasons for wanting alone time come from a good place, it can still hurt to hear that your partner wants time away from you. Therefore, it’s important to make sure you reassure your partner so they know this request is definitley about you and not them or the relationship.
Let them know that your want for alone time is about your need for self-care and for your life to have more balance. Reiterate that this want to have time apart does not mean you have an issue with them or that you love them any less.
Then feel free to emphasise how you both might benefit from some time alone. Highlight all the good things that can come from alone time. Help them see that it leads to better moods, less stress, more energy and a greater sense of well-being. Get them to understand that having more alone time allows you to look after yourself better and maintain your individuality. When you are able to do this, you can be a better partner and invest more energy into creating a healthier more fulfilling relationship for you both.
Give your partner A chance to Speak
By this point, I’m sure you’ve done a fair amount of talking. Now it’s time to listen.
Give your partner a chance to share their feelings and thoughts about your request for more alone time. Don’t interrupt, let them speak, and try to see things from their perspective. Once they have shared their thoughts, be sure to ask them about how they feel about the amount of alone time they are getting. Ask them whether they are currently getting enough to meet their needs. Ask them about what their ideal balance of time would look like.
Asking these types of question is how you can start an open honest conversation that can eventually lead to both of your needs being met.
Be open to negotiating and be sure to compromise
Like we discussed before, a “normal” amount of alone time will vary between couples. It all depends on your personalities, the way you operate as a couple, your wants and needs etc.
You and your partner might be on the same page about how you wish to balance your “you time” and your “us time”. Yay for you if this is the case! Being on the same page will fast track you to being where you want to bit. It makes it really easy for you to the balance moving forward.
However, there is also a very real chance that you could want different things. This is quite normal, so don’t stress if you find yourself in this position. If this is the case for you, you need to be open to discussing ways of balancing both of your different needs around your time. Be willing to negotiate and compromise with your partner so that you can find a solution or create a routine that works for both of you. It may not fit into the 70/30 split that we talked about above, but it’ll be something that accommodate both your needs and bring you both some level of satisfaction. Approach the situation with understanding and patience and know that it might take a while to figure it out.
Keep The Conversation Going
As you settle into your new routine, make sure to keep the communication about the topic going. It may take a while for you to find a new flow or to truly work out the best balance of your time. Therefore, being able to continue to talk about the topic and re-negotiate and make adjustments is important. Be open to talking to your partner about what you do and don’t like about the changes to how you balance your time. This helps them stay connected to how you are feeling and paves the way for them openly sharing how they are feeling in return.
Suggest Things That You Can Do Together:
While all this talk of spending time apart is beneficial, it might also be nice to suggest some ways that you can spend time together. This can help ease any concerns your partner might have and reassure them even further. Plus, you might even get to remove the date night stress of choosing what to do by pre-planning some dates together.
Suggest some things you could do together once you’ve had your alone time, or work together to choose some activities you both may enjoy. You may even decide to start a tradition together as a way of protecting some of your “us time”. Doing all of this will help to reinforce that your want for alone time in not about pushing your partner away, rather its about looking after yourself and creating a healthier balance in your life.
Final Note: Aim For Quality Over Quantity
When it comes to spending time with your partner, aim for quality over quantity. If you focus on spending quality time together, it’s easier to allow each other to have your alone time. The quality of the time you spend with your partner definitely trumps the quantity. For example, busy couples who prioritize uninterrupted and focused time together can have healthier relationships than those who merely coexist without connecting.
As much as it’s nice to spend lots of time with your partner, life doesn’t always give you enough time to do so. But don’t fret. Staying connected with your partner doesn’t need to take up hours of your day if you don’t want it to. There are plenty of little couple rituals that you can feed into your day or week to help you both maintain your bond. So start small and be sure to find a realistic balance that works for you so that you can be consistent with it.
Having some alone time is super important for a healthy relationship with your partner, no doubt about it. Spending quality time together is great, but having some alone time is equally crucial. It’s all about finding a sweet balance that works for both of you. If you feel like you’re getting too much or too little alone time, don’t keep it to yourself. Communicate with your partner and find a solution that suits both of you. After all, your needs won’t be met if you don’t speak up. So, get talking and make sure you’re both on the same page.
References
- Swets, J. A., & Cox, C. R. (2022). Aloneliness predicts relational anger and aggression toward romantic partners. Aggressive Behavior, 48(5), 512-523. https://doi.org/10.1002/ab.22044 ↩︎
