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There will come a time in every friendship when someone does or says something that hurts the other. If you have made a mistake in your friendship, writing an apology letter to your friend can be a good way to apologise and start making amends.

This post is your go-to guide on how to write an apology letter to your friend. In this post we will go through all the things we think are important to include and show you ways you might express some of them. While these steps are targeted for writing an apology letter to a friend, they can absolutely still be used to craft a text message or be used to gather what you want to say for a verbal apology. 

As mentioned, there are examples scattered throughout this post, however, please note, they are merely there to guide you and help you if you get stuck. If the suggestions made in this post don’t feel like something you’d feel comfortable saying, you don’t have to use them. The key is to be genuine and write your apology letter to your friend in a way that sounds like it is coming from you. Be true to yourself and write from your heart, it will feel make your apology letter that much more genuine, and it will be much better received.

9 Steps To Writing An Apology Letter To Your Friend:

1. Take some time to reflect on the situation 

It is important to take some time to truly reflect on the situation before starting to craft your apology letter to your friend. Reflect on how your friend felt in the situation and think about your role in causing those feelings. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see how things went down from their perspective. This will help you determine where you went wrong and can help you give a more genuine apology because you know exactly what you are apologising for. You don’t need to spend too long reflecting (because it’s still important to have a timely apology), but it’s definitely a good idea to spend at least five minutes reflecting so that you can gather your thoughts before you launch in. 

Here are some questions to consider:

• Did I take over the conversation or did I let them have a chance to properly express themselves? Why?
• Did I genuinely listen to them and make them feel heard or did I become defensive and/or dismiss them?
• Did I make it all about me? In what ways?
• Why was my friend feeling this way?
• Was there a particular point in the conversation where things changed? What happened/what where you talking about at this point?
• What signs did your friend give you in the conversation that you ignored or missed? 

2. Start with a genuine greeting

Now that you had a chance to reflect, it’s time to start writing your apology letter to your friend. When writing a letter, it is important that you actually address the person who is meant to receive it. Address your friend in a warm and sincere way to start off your letter, rather than just launching into your apology.  You can use a greeting, like “Dear [your friend’s name]”

3. Write a specific and clear apology statement

Now it’s time to crack on with the apology. Make the purpose of this letter clear by introducing the reason why you are writing this apology letter to your friend. It is your first chance to acknowledge your mistake and show them that you are trying to be accountable for your actions. This apology statement only needs to be a sentence long (there is no room for making excuses). Here is a guide for writing your apology statement: “I want to genuinely apologise for [the main thing you did or said that hurt them]”. For example: “I want to genuinely apologise for not listening to you properly and dismissing your concerns. 

4. Show some empathy

Acknowledge your impact by explaining your understanding of how your words/actions have caused them to feel. This is your chance to put yourself in their shoes and show them you are considering how they might have felt. You could say something like: “I can imagine that my [actions/words] must have made you feel [upset/unvalued/frustrated/angry], and I am truly sorry for making you feel this way.”

5. Acknowledge your regrets

This is the part of your apology letter where you let your friend know how much you genuinely regret your actions. In this part, it is important that you focus solely on showing your regret for the situation and stay away from becoming defensive. An example of how you could say this is: “I seriously regret the way I [behaved/spoke/acted] and the [pain/anger/hurt/sadness/frustration] it caused you.”

6. Give an explanation (if you feel it’s appropriate)

Sometimes, it might be better to avoid giving an explanation in your apology letter. If not written carefully,  explanations can quite easily draw away from your apology and make it seem less genuine, as they can come across like you are trying to shift the blame. 

However, explanations of your actions can be beneficial. It can be beneficial because you give your friend the necessary context that will allow them to understand what was going on for you. Or they can also be useful for clarifying any misinterpretations (maybe you said something that was intended to mean something different from how your friend interpreted it). Please try to avoid using this section of your apology letter as a chance to play the victim card. Remember your aim in this letter is to apologise not defend your side of the situation or outline why you were right.

If you choose to offer an explanation, you need to share only the necessary information needed to help with clarification of the situation. Be super careful not to deflect the blame and make excuses. Also, your explanation needs to be short and to the point (try your best not to waffle).

At the end of your explanation try bringing the focus back onto your mistake by saying something like: “However, that is no excuse for [my actions/the way I spoke to you] and that was not fair of me to [treat/speak to] you the way I did.” Or if you were clarifying a miscommunication you could say something like this to finish it off: “I realise now how this may have come across to you and I regret my choice of words.”

7. Reiterate Your Apology And Promise To Change

Restate your apology with a simple “I’m sorry, [your friend’s name]”. Then let your friend know that you will learn from your mistakes and do your best not to repeat your mistake moving forward. You could say something like: “This situation has taught me that [explain what you have learnt or realised]. I promise that will learn from this mistake and do my absolute best to [what you plan on improving e.g. be more mindful of the impact of the words I say] moving forward.” Then if your friend does accept your apology, it is up to you to be sincere and honour that commitment to that change. 

8. Show your appreciation

Take a moment to show your friend some gratitude. Thank your friend for their understanding, for showing patience, and for being open to listening to/reading your apology. Here’s an example of how you could say this: “I really appreciate you giving me the chance to apologise for what I [did/said/how I behaved] and I am grateful for the patience you have shown me.”

9. Show your want to make amends and ask for their forgiveness

Here’s your time when highlight how much their friendship means to you and how much you value them as a friend. Let them know that you treasure them and that you genuinely want to fix things and resolve the situation so that you can continue your friendship. Suggest a way to make amends if you have one (e.g. maybe you broke something of theirs that you can replace?). Finally, finish things off by asking for their forgiveness.

An example of what you could say is: “You mean the absolute world to me, I adore being your friend. I would hate to lose your friendship, so I want to do everything I can to make things right between us. If there is anything that I can do to make this better for you, please let me know. I sincerely hope you can forgive me.” Then on a new line write “Yours truly” and then your name (or even just your name if that works for you). 

Remember to keep this part genuine and write from the heart. 

9. Respect their need for time and space

Once your friend has the letter, you may need to give them some time and space to process their thoughts and feelings. Respect the fact they might not reply to you or reach out to you immediately after receiving your letter or message. Try your best to be patient with them and recognise that they might need time to forgive you and to heal. You can help the process by respecting their needs. However, it is okay to reach out after some time has passed. 

Genuine apologies can go a long way to making things right and to mend broken friendships. In order to give your friend a proper apology you are going to have to undergo some serious self-reflection and be sincere in your apology. Take your time crafting your apology and make sure your friend knows how sorry you are and how much they mean to you. They may not forgive you straight away but you have made the effort to be responsible for your actions and to repair your mistake. Stay true to your apology and put in the effort to make a change. It may take patience, time, and some effort to regain their trust/forgiveness, but if your friendship truly means something to you it is worth the effort.