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There are many ways a friendship can become unhealthy. An unhealthy or toxic friendship is one where there are large amounts of jealousy, competition, manipulation, and/or bullying behaviours. Unhealthy friendships can also be caused by imbalanced efforts or borderline parasitic behaviours (people that take and take and take). These kinds of friendships are very damaging and can take a toll on every aspect of your well-being. Unfortunately, the things that made the friendship start out as a good one and the layers of shared history can mask the signs of an unhealthy friendship, which can make such friendships difficult to identify. 

Regardless, it is important that you recognise whether you are in an unhealthy freindship so that you can start addressing it as soon as possible. If you are here because you think you are in an unhealthy friendship, you are in the right place for figuring out what you need to do next. This post is all about what to do if you find yourself in an healthy friendship. 

Assess How The Friendship Affects You 

Reflect on how the friendship makes you feel 

How does your friendship with this person make you feel? Do you feel emotionally, mentally, or physically drained after spending time with your friend? Do you come away from hangouts feeling anxious, stressed or simply feeling bad about yourself? Or are does your friendship with them make you feel good, energised, and confident?

It is important to reflect and consider the effects this friendship of yours is having on your self-esteem, happiness, and overall mental health. For your well-being’s sake, your friends should generally have positive effects on all three of these areas. 

Does your friendship have some sort of balance?

Having some sort of balance is important in a friendship. Having a balance of giving and receiving according to the needs of each person is what you should be striving for. However, you do not want to be in the kind of friendship where your friend takes and takes and takes from you without giving you anything in return. Examples of this can be taking all your time, your emotional support, your physical support, or even just letting you buy them things all the time. These kinds of friendships are not fun to be in. You deserved to be valued and looked after too.  

Be careful when analysing  whether there is a balance in your friendship though, because friends do show care and effort in different ways. As an example, maybe your friend isn’t very good at shouting you things and rather lets you buy stuff for them, but they will always drop everything to come and support you when you are having a bad day. Also every act can carry different value to different people. So have a look at your friendship and see if what they give you truly has enough value to balance what they take from you.

Have An Honest Conversation

Initiate open and honest communication with your friend

If you have realised that your friendship has become unhealthy and has started negatively impacting you, it is time to start a conversation with your friend to address the situation. Make them aware that you are going to have the conversation with them by saying something like: “Hey, there are a few concerns that I have been having recently about our friendship that I’d like to have an honest discussion about with you.”

Make sure to have the conversation in a safe, private, and neutral space to allow both you and your friend to feel comfortable expressing yourselves openly. 

Keep calm and be assertive

It is important to address your concerns, emotions, and boundaries in a calm and assertive way with your friend. These kinds of topics are not always easy to discuss and neither are they easy to hear. Keeping your emotions calm will help stop the conversation from becoming heated and may prevent your friend from feeling targeted and becoming defensive. Also if you are communicating in an assertive manner you should be focusing on the issue in a way that is not playing the blame game. A great way to do this is to avoid “you statements” (they are aggressive) and rather focus on “I statements”. So rather than saying: “You are always competing with me and you never support me”, you could say: “I feel like there is a lot of competition in our friendship right now and it’s really making me feel a lack of support.”

Discuss the potential for change and growth in the friendship

Part of having an assertive discussion is working to find a solution for the issues you have brought up with your friend. What changes do you want to see in your friendship as a result of this discussion? Have some sort of idea of what changes you want to see in your friendship before going into the discussion so that you bring this up with them and not get put on the spot.

Now that you have had the chance to express how you are feeling about the friendship, it is time to allow your friend to suggest anything that they want you to change. Be open to receiving this kind of feedback and be receptive to it, it shows character. You can also acknowledge what you might need to work on in your friendship as well- we all have room for improvement. If your friend is seeing that you are willing to put effort into holding onto and growing the friendship, they might be encouraged to play their part too. 

Set Some Boundaries and Practice Self-Care 

Establishing clear boundaries to protect your well-being

 Know the ways in which you are being negatively affected by this friendship and try to help yourself by establishing some boundaries.

Here are some examples of how you can do this: 

• If they dominate your time, try to learn how to say no to them and try to hang out with them less often
• If they consistently damage your trust, limit what information you tell them.
• If their activity on social media is the thing that is hurting you, maybe it’s time to stop yourself from seeing their posts.
• If they seem to need round-the-clock support, you can put emotional needs first by only helping your friend when you are feeling mentally and emotionally able to. 

These boundaries can literally be anything that will help you protect yourself from the effects of this friendship and give you the respect you deserve.  

Prioritizing self-care activities that nurture and support you

Having unhealthy friendships can cause a lot of stress and negative emotions. You need to recognise when it all starts taking a toll on you so that you can take a moment to stop and prioritise some self care. You need to spend some time looking after yourself by doing some activities that are going to build you up and make you feel good again.  If you are able to, try to have a whole self care day, where you can focus on doing just that!  

Practicing self care is a great way to help counteract the effect of some of the things you have been dealing with recently.

Creating distance or taking a break from the friendship if necessary

Sometimes an unhealthy friendship can become too much for you to handle. If you are feeling this way, just know that it is absolutely okay to create distance through setting some boundaries or stopping and taking a break from your friendship. It can be great way to gain some time to gather and process your thoughts and emotions. It also allows you to be able to take a step back and focus on looking after yourself and your needs. Doing this is a completely valid course of action, however, just be sure to clearly communicate your intentions to your friend so that they know what is going on and don’t misinterpret your actions. 

Seeking Support From Others 

Reach out to trusted friends, family, or mentors for guidance and perspective

If you are battling to decide what to do or just need a bit of reassurance and support with your decision, reaching out to someone you trust can be a good thing to do. Trusted friends, family, and mentors should only have your best interest in mind and they can provide helpful advice about what they think is best for you. This can be beneficial because they can see what is going on from an outsider’s point of view as they are a bit more distanced from the situation and therefore naturally have a bit more clarity.

While it is good to take their opinion into account, it is important to keep in mind that this is still your decision. You have to live with the consequences of your actions so you should be the only one who truly gets to make that decision for yourself.   

Seeking support from a therapist or counselor to process emotions and gain clarity

Having support from a professional can really help you deal with the situation with your friend. Therapists and counselors are trained to deal with these sorts of situations. They can help you work through the thoughts and emotions you’re having around your friendship. They can also help you gain some clarity about whether you are dealing with a truly unhealthy friendship or even coach you through the process of dealing with it. It is also just nice to be able to chat with someone who is essentially a stranger in your life. This allows you to remove that fear of judgment and talk freely about what you are experiencing. 

If you are looking for this kind of support, Psychology Today has a Find a Therapist tool to help you find a therapist and get started. 

Joining support groups or online communities to connect with others who have experienced similar situations

You are not the only one in the world who has experienced being in an unhealthy friendship. It might be nice for you to reach out to a support group or join an online community where you can share your experiences with people who are going through similar situations. You can learn from their experiences, ask them for advice and just be able to tell your story to someone who might have a better understanding of what you are going through.

There are lots of Facebook groups out there that deal with the topic of toxic friendships and overcoming them. If you want more of a physical support group try Meetup,  it is designed to connect people with similar interests or who are going through similar situations.

Remember, you don’t have to go through this journey alone. 

Evaluating the Potential for Change 

Assess whether your friend shows a willingness to address and work on the issues

If your friend is receptive and chooses affecting to be accountable for their part in creating the unhealthy friendship, that is great. It might be okay to give them one last chance. They may not have realised how their behaviour is affecting you and you talking to them about it was the wake-up call they needed.  

If your friend is not willing to work on the issues you have addressed with them, then they really shouldn’t deserve the investment of your time and friendship. You deserve better! 

Considering the history and patterns of the friendship

Are these issues that you are facing with them a recent occurrence, or have they been recurring throughout the course of your friendship? Have you talked about these issues with them before? Have you tried to put in your best effort to improve things while they did nothing? Or have they been a good friend to you overall and this might be a rough patch that they are going through?

Look back at your history with them and remember all the good things and the bad things that have happened. See if there are any recurring patterns that indicate whether or not they are likely to grow and change. 

Making Decisions and Taking Action 

You have assessed how the friendship effects you, potentially sought external opinions and had an open conversation with your friend about it. Now it is time to decide whether or not this friendship is worth maintaining so that you can either take action to improve it or to move on from it. 

Making decisions based on what is best for your well-being and growth

Making decisions about friendships are never easy, especially if you are deciding whether to end one. However, when making such decisions you really have to consider what is going to be best for you. Whether that decision is to stay their friend or to let go of your friendship with them. You are the one who is going to have to live with the outcomes of your actions (not anyone else), so make sure what you decide aligns with what you want for yourself. 

Here are a few questions that can help you with your consideration: 

• Will this friend be a positive factor in your future growth?
• Does this friend have your best interests in mind?
• Do they make a conscious effort to consider your needs and feelings?
• Can you trust them?
• Can you rely on them?
• Do they make your life better by being in it?
• What is the first emotion you feel after you finish spending time with them?
• How much do their needs impact your ability to live your life?
• Do they truly want what is best for you? Do they want you to grow and succeed?

Recognizing that ending or distancing from a friendship is a valid option

It is important to recognise when a friendship no longer serves its purpose for you in life. It is also equally important to know that is okay to end a friendship or move on from it. 

Remember: Not all friends you make in life are ones you have to hang on to forever, especially if they are ones that are no longer positively affecting you. Nor do all your friends have to be in your everyday life, some friends are better to have as a see-every-once-in-a-while kind of friend. 

Have the courage to let go of toxic friendships for the sake of your well-being

If you have truly reflected on your friendship. If you have seen that it has negative effects on you and your life that cannot be resolved, even after addressing it with your friend and trying to change it, then it might be time to say goodbye to this friendship. It might take a lot of courage and self-control, but letting go of your unhealthy friendship could be the best option for your and your life. 

You do not have to stay in a friendship because you have a shared history. Equally, you do not have to stay friends with them because you feel obligated or because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. It is okay to do what is best for you and your well-being, even if that means ending the friendship and letting them go. 

Focusing on cultivating healthy and supportive friendships moving forward

Regardless of whether you have decided to stay in your friendship and work on it or whether you chose to move on, your focus now needs to be on building better friendships for yourself. Use this experience to help guide you towards generating more healthy and positive friendships moving forward. You deserve to create friendships for yourself that are based on mutual trust, respect, support, and consideration. 

Living with an unhealthy friendship can be very detrimental to your health and well-being. That is why it is important to assess how their friendship really affects you and be open to talking to them about it so that you can assess their potential for change. From there it is up to you to decide whether this friendship is worth holding onto or whether you need to end it to protect yourself. There is also nothing wrong with seeking some support and taking some time to look after yourself along the way- it is not an easy journey. Please be kind to yourself along the way as well. 

And remember: “Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by doubling our joys and dividing our grief”- Marcus Tullius Cicero. So be sure to fill your life with healthy friendships as they are the ones that contribute to your overall happiness and fulfillment in life.